Date:11/11/2022 11 11 22 nice date. I missed 11:11 this morning smh. I'm excited that the weather is really starting to feel like proper stick season weather. It's gloomy and overcast today but I certainly don't mind it. I've been reading Midnight Sun because I reread Twilight and I'm enjoying it actually. It's pretty funny and the writting is of course much better. For the last like 3 years I've basically only read nonfiction and all covering pretty heavy topics so it's nice to have a little break from that. I've been thinking a lot about how my whole life has been centered around consumption, it feels like my whole personality was once built around what I consumed. Consuming specific media, buying specific type of clothing and items, and only having goals that met these consumptive behavior patterns. It's not really a way to live. I don't feel the need to constantly be consuming anymore, I feel much better about myself when I'm focused on giving instead of consuming. I don't really want to be someone who only takes and never gives. My goals now involve less superficial things, mainly focused on personal improvement and creating a life that I feel is worth living.

Date:11/9/2022 So happy to see the bird app failing! I've been on Mastodon since January but it was hard to get into so I wasn't there for long. Now I'm back! Anyway, I've been feeling alright. Sometimes its hard to keep doing my little tasks to distract myself from the world ending but when I can do it it's nice :)

Date:9/16/2022 wow okay long time no update. I didn't forget about this I just haven't been in the mood to write anything. I had a nice summer for the most part although I've been pretty depressed for a while. It's just rough like I'm hyper aware of myself and also of all the bad shit going on. It's really hard to enjoy anything when I know the planet is on fire and everything keeps getting worse because like 100 people need to have a lot of money. The society we live in is insane and out of control. I also feel very alone because it feels like most of my friends don't get it, it's like I'm living in a different reality. People will tell me things like "Oh yeah but everything is bad but you should still enjoy life." as if I can just turn off this feeling of guilt and anxiety. I don't think there is anything even wrong with me, I think it's that everyone else is choosing to not pay attention or pretending that things are just going to magically get better. No one is coming to save us, no single person can save us, we have to make drastic societal changes and we need to make them quickly. However, that's not happening. Theres very little action being taken to mitigate the harm of climate change, the culture wars continue and worsen daily, and people are still going to their BS jobs and ordering shit from Amazon on a daily basis. What are all these people doing at marketing firms!? The only thing we need to be marketing is how to undo all the damage we have done and how to reduce the harm we have created. I sound like I'm spiraling right now but I'm actually feeling pretty good today. This is just what I'm thinking every day. I do have some hope though. I think that a lot of people feel the way I do and want a better world. I do have some people in my life who think the way I do and I'm thankful for that. Maybe we can all come together, buy a piece of land and create a little society that's the way we want the world to be.

Date:5/9/2022 Good morning! Yesterday was such a beautiful day, We went to the park and got the negative ions up. I need to figure out how to get the motivation that I had like a month ago back, I was getting up sort of early and just sitting with my thoughts in the morning. I guess I'm just mood cycling as usual...sigh. I still have no update on when I'm getting my camera and I'm getting upset because I really want to start getting used to using it asap. I even made a personal IG to start sharing my photos (still going to make an artsy site). Oh, I finished the back panel of my sweater but I'm taking a little break from knitting for the sake of my joints, but I think I'll start the front panel in the next few days.

Date:5/4/2022 10:40am It's May! It's been so much nicer the last few days. I can't wait to get my new camera, but the place I'm getting it from is a local camera shop that refuses to tell me when it's coming. I think they're scared to give me an estimate and then not have it come but like...just guess it would make me feel better. I just want to start using it already. I love shooting film but it's becoming very expensive and I don't like the local developers here so I'm less intersted in using my film cameras recently. My clay studio has a darkroom so maybe I should just learn to develope myself lol

Date:4/27/2022 9:14am My interview went really well and I do think I'm going to get the position! It's not really about the money it's more about the experience however it does pay pretty well for part time so that will be nice. I really want to make this matcha cake that I saw a recipe for but I've never made a cake lol but it seems pretty easy. I have some ceramic pieces I'm working on right now that I'm going to attemp to sell but I always feel weird trying to sell them. Like I think that they're good but what if they're not. I also don't have many followers on my ceramics account plus I think only maybe 1/5 of them actually see my posts. I think theres a lot of ceramic artist who are selling more of a lifestyle than anything. This lifestyle of drinking out of fancy handcrafted mugs and having designer purses...idk not really what I'm going for lol i hate even having to worry about social media but i need to make SOME money from my work to sustain it. I've also been thinking about how I don't have a "style" and maybe I should work on developing that more but I just love doing everything

Date:4/26/2022 9:27am I guess I didn't finish writting what I was writting yesterday lol anyway, I have a job interview today! I haven't done one in 3 years. It's not even for like a crazy job it's just a summer gig and I'll basically get to pick when I want to work. It's also at the studio that I already volunteer at so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get it...it would honestly be kinda weird and awkward if not. I think the interview will be chill especially because I already know one of the people who I'll be interviewing with. Then I have to go to the post office. I've been selling some stuff recently and it feels like I've been at the post office everyday for the last week. I have to do something else after the post office and I really just want to sit on the couch and knit my sweater.

Date:4/25/2022 9:58am Monday Monday Monday we did a ton of cleaning over the weekend and it feels great to know that the apartment is clean. I started working on my sweater that I'm knitting with yarn given to me by neighbors. I'm pretty happy with how it's coming out so far, but I only have like less than half of one boby panel done. It's probably going to take me a decent amount of time to finish it but it really makes me think even more deeply about fast fashion. It's just so fucked up ugh.

Date:4/19/2022 9:15am It's snowing here! We woke up this morning to a blanket of snow. This is probably actually the last snow of the season, so truly warmer days are coming! This weekend we hope to do some spring cleaning because I don't have my volunteer shift on Saturday morning. We did a deep cleaning right before the new year, but I think it's time for it again I mean I'll be honest I don't clean the baseboards every time I clean the floor lol. My goal for this week is also to do some decluttering. With taking up knitting and my ceramics piling up its getting to be a bit much. We also need to reconfigure our furniture a bit because we're gonna be in this appartment for at least another year so we should make it cute! Lastly, I've been thinking about my balance between wanting to share things about my life online but also wanting to control who has access to that information. Not everyone deserves to know what's going on with me. However, this is a public site so if you happen to come across it then I can't really change that or control it. It's a choice a made for specific reasons. Perhaps people who don't like me will read this and get some sort of joy out of making fun of it...if you need to be mean be mean to meeee I can take it and put it inside of mefr tho what am I gonna do? Not share my life on the internet? Disappear for like two years and be extremely private about my life even to those that I talk to regularly?? I already did that!! I don't really think I over share here anyway hehe morning word vomit!

Date:4/15/2022 wow it is crazy how different my mood is now compared to like a month ago. I think next winter I really need to have a plan for what I'm going to do to counteract the sad. I've been feeling so much more motivated and waking up earlier than I normally do so I can enjoy my morning. I think I'm getting a new camera soon and I am very excited about that! I've been wanting to start making videos but the camera I have now isn't really good for that. Plus I never want to use it because it's so big and bulky. I don't really have much else to say lol okay bye

Date:4/3/2022 So thankful that it's finally warming up! I don't dislike winter, and I don't think I should complain about it because I am the one who decided to move to a cold place buuuut after 4 months of it I am over the cold. I wanna wear crop tops and sandals already. Also happy its warming up because seasonal depression is for real for real smh. Anyway, I finished knitting my cardigan and I love it! Next I want to make a sweater. I also started learning how to crochet because I want to crochet a balaclava. I don't really love the look of crochet so I don't plan to make much with it but who knows maybe I'll like it more as I learn more. hhhhm what else? Been thinking about how I have no real routine and that's probably not helpful to my mental health so maybe I should try to establish some regularity...I say this all the time but i never do it lol or I do it for like a week and then fall off real quick.

Date:3/28/2022 Wow I guess it's been a month since I updated this? it snowed today and it's currently 18 degrees (f)...hello spring! I've been very into knitting and basically only doing that. I'm almost done with this cardigan I've been working on. I can't wait to start another project!! I've also been thinking about hostility. I am certainly guilty of being hostile towards friends because I am generally just anger at the world. I think that especially now this is happening to a lot of people. We're finding ourselves being rude, unforgiving, or just simply unpleasant to those who have done nothing wrong. Even to people we care about. I don't really blame anyone for this, this timeline continues to be very challenging and seemingly worse everyday. However, we need each other. We need support from our loved ones and we need human companionship. I guess this is all to say that I would like to try to not direct my anger at other people, even if I disagree with their decision nothing I say is going to change who they are and the life they are choosing to live. What changes people are actions. Idk maybe this is just word vomit, I just feel like I can be extremely negative sometimes and I don't exactly want to be that way. The world is already awful it doesn't need me to help make it worse. Annnyway, I haven't gone back to working on my artsy website because I can't really figure out what I want it to look like! I change my mind about colors like everyday, so maybe I will never make it. I just remember i need to write about monitizing your craft...stay tuned for a future rant on that

Date:2/28/2022 I finished reading Neuromancer and like it was good but I think I'm just not a fiction person. Maybe I would have liked it better as an audiobook. I'm glad I at least finished it. Anyway, I'm finally making some friends in the area which I think will be helpful to my overall mental health. Also trying to plan some potiental summer travels which will be entirely dependent on Covid of course, but it's nice to pretend at least. Today I started a little painting because I've been wanting to paint for like a week. We'll see if I actually finish it lol but I needed to do something to keep me off of the internet for obv reasons

Date:2/21/2022 oh wow it's been a while since i updated this, mainly because I've been doing bad! I'm feeling better now but the last like month has been a struggle. I know basically everyone is having a bad time now, espeically those who still care about covid. I'm just trying my best to be safe and not lose my mind. I'm thankful that this wave seems to be dying down, but who knows what that even means. I've been learning how to knit which has been helping to get my mind off of the impending doom, and of course trying to stay busy with my ceramics. I def need to exercise more regularly and try to be a bit more social (in a safe way), which I am working on. Oh I'm also trying to read a fictional novel and it's painful. Fiction is so boring. I'm 100 pages in and I'm still confused. I wish I had more to say but my brain is so foggy that I can't really think about what else has been going on for me. I just wanted to add something here because the longer I go the less interested I'm going to be in doing it at all.

Date:1/16/2022 It's fucking cold here! Like yesterday morning when I was walking to the ceramics studio it was -8 (f) and with wind chill it felt like -27 lmaooooo it was so cold! There is a lot of negative temps in the up coming days and tomorrow we are supposed to get a little snow storm. I have been feeling a little less lazy the last few days, which is nice because I really don't feel good about just lazing around but sometimes you just can't bring yourself to do anything. I made sugar cookies twice in the last week and now I'm kinda into the idea of perfecting the art of a sugar cookie. They're pretty simple, but I think simple recipes are the most fun to try to perfect and make your own. Also I did start working on a website for my artsy shit. It will probably be pretty simple and basic because I still really don't know much about CSS/HTML to be making some fancy website, and I'm kinda fine with that lol as long as I don't have to rely on some 3rd party like squarespace or whatever then i am happy with whatever I come up with. On another note I have been missing photography. I used to really love photography and then I guess the saturation of social media ruined it for me. I didn't like that I would be more focused on taking a good photo to post online than actually experiencing the moment. lol live in the moment! but fr I did not like that the first thought i had when seeing something beautiful or interesting was to take a photo. I tried to fix this by switching to strickly film photos for any sort of posting online but it still felt like I was living for the algorthim. When I got off IG I still took photos but they left kinda pointless because I couldn't share them but now I don't think I would need that type of validation. I think I would be happy just capturing beautiful images for myself, and maybe using as references or sharing on my soon to be art site! I'm glad I've learned to validate myself when it comes to my creativity. I know what's "good", I know what's "bad", and I know who I can go to for genuine feedback if I want it.

Date:1/11/2022 I got my booster last week and I've been feeling so lazy since then. Also this new wave of covid plus the fact that it's like 10 degrees(f) or lower every day probably isn't helping me to feel anymore energetic. I finally have an idea of how I want my art website to look but I haven't been in the mood to start that. I did finally update my art IG so that everyone who follows it knows I'm not posting for algorthim anymore, I'm just posting for me and for those who care to know what I'm up to. I feel so much better about it now. I wish I didn't need to use it at all, but that's still where people are. I create for myself but I still want to share my work, so its all about balance I guess. I thought I had a lot more to say but I guess not lol

Date:1/3/2022 I have been playing way too much Happy Home Paradise, it's just so cute and fun. I spend like over an hour on each house but it's so satisfying to see the finished home. Playing this game has also got me way more excited about 3D art so today I finally opened up Blender and started making something! This program is kinda frustrating but I can't believe it's FREE! Adobe could never. It would probably be a little easier if I had a bigger screen, and like a real desk but its managable. I feel very excited to try new things and get back into some things that I have been trying to get better at for what seems like my whole life. I want to write about how I got myself to stop being afraid to try new things but I think I need time to figure out how to even express it in words. Until then if you're thinking about trying a new hobby or craft or whatever here is your sign!



Date:12/30/2021 Reflecting on the year is kind of a necessary task, at least for me. I've been trying to do some cleaning in preparation for the new year so now I need to clean out my mind a little. I had a lot free time this year which allowed me to truly get to know myself (or at least start to). I feel lucky to have been able to spend so much time doing things I enjoy, and finally having the mental space to examine the world on a deeper level. Taking the time to read theory and learn more about Marxism has helped me to view the world through a different lense. I started reading Marxist theory in 2019 but it takes time to unlearn all the capitalist econ101 nonsense we get fed. I don't ever want to be caught in a situation where I don't have my information straight so I do plan to continue learning. Learning is also very fun and bascially the best thing about being a human. I also tried to monitize my hobby this year but that didn't really bring me the fulfillment I thought it would so I'm keeping that on pause until I figure out how to approach it in a way that doesn't feel draining or makes me resent my hobbies. It was a huge leap for me to even try putting myself out there like that because I (like most people) am extremely critical of my own work. Like I've said before, getting used to the idea of being precieved is hard. I hope to get a website going for my artsy stuff because posting on a personal website is a lot more fun than posting on instagram or twitter. Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe New Year!

Date:12/29/2021 It's time for my Things of the Year awards!

Book of the year: The Conquest of Bread by Peter Kropotkin (1892).
Here are some quotes from the book that I really like:

--No more of such vague formulas as "The right to work," or" "To each the whole result of his labour." What we proclaim is THE RIGHT TO WELL-BEING: WELL- BEING FOR ALL!

--A new method of production cannot exist side by side with the old forms of consumption, any more than it can adapt itself to the old forms of political organization.

--The most important economy, the only reasonable one, is to make life pleasant for all, because the man who is satisfied with his life produces infinitely more than the man who curses his surroundings.

Albums of the year:
Daruma Ringo by Gesu no Kiwami Otome (2017)
Good Luck (delux) by Bladee and Mechatok (2021)
Year of the Spider by Shannon and the Clams (2021)

Enemy of the year:
It's a tough to choose between NFTs and Roblox but they're basically the same thing. NFTs are terrible for the enivorment and pray on people who don't understand how they work. Roblox are taking advantage of literally children. Roblox is a pyramid scheme for children, NFTs (and crypto) is a pyramid scheme for adults...NFT "investors" target young artist as a way to get young people involved in their nonsense. hhhhmmm they're both awful but if I spend more time thinking about either one of them I will ruin my own day. Both winners!
Some resources on why NFTs/crypto are bad:
-Artist don't make money from NFTs
-The enviormental impact is unreasonable
-Crypto is a scam (video)

Honorable mention:This year I started learning about permaculture , which I think is a very important concept that could actually help to reverse climate change. check out this video on permaculture!(there is also a link in the description to a free online course)

Date:12/24/2021
hhhmm I don't have anyting specific to talk about here but I feel like adding something so I guess I will just see where the thought take me. I am excited for christmas tomorrow because we're going to make a basque cheesecake and ramen with these fancy noodles plus it just MIGHT snow which means I will get my white christmas! I'm happy the gift giving is over tho. Almost all the gifts I gave this year were handmade which was stressful but I think more meaningful.
With this holiday coming up I've been thinking a lot about consumption and the idea of embracing a simple "mundane" life. I don't mean a mundane life in the sense of living in the suburbs and have 3 cars and 5 kids and 2 dogs and doing nothing exciting besides shopping at target (that actually sounds like hell lol). I'm talking about living a life that might seem boring but is filled with interesting meaningful hobbies instead of relying on hyperconsumption
to fill this void that everyone seem to feel. Buying stuff is cool and all but nothing really gives you the same fulfillment as making something for yourself. After I finished this website my brian felt so happy (for lack of a better term) and it's the same feeling I get when I finish a piece of art, or when I FINALLY got my bread loafs looking good. That senses of fulfillment just doesn't come from making purchases or watching Netflix shows, i don't know if any fulfillment comes from that. With the way things are going with global warming we (the people of western nations who consume the most resources) all need to start embracing simplicity. This idea is sometimes refered to as degrowth. Capitalism has created this idea that in order for you to be "happy" you need to have a specific lifestyle and you should always be wanting and "working" towards more (bigger home, nicer car, newest of everything, etc.), but we do not have infinite resources. We don't really have a choice, we either shift our way of living away from infinite consumption of finite resources or we completely exhaust all of our resources. I am well aware that the 1% contributes the most to global warming and that the indivual is not going to be able to make a change but I do believe that if EVERYONE in the developed world shifted their life style to something more simple and less focused on consumption a change could be made. I don't think it's ridiculous to have some sort of hope in a collective change. Basically, fuck this capitalist imperialist western lifestyle the US forces on us. The rest of the world should not have to suffer so that some asshole can take a private jet everywhere or so that we can have amazon packages delivered to us daily.
This kind of turned into a word vomit but if you're reading this I hope you take something from it. I would like to improve my written communcation skills when it comes to relaying my thoughts, so keeping up with these logs is a way for me to do that. Also here is a video on how capitalism is killing the planet just in case you're not convinced.

Date:12/19/2021
It snowed for like 16 hours straight yesterday so there is a beautiful coat of snow covering everything. It has already snowed a couple of times in the last few weeks but it melted. I think this snow is here to stay. Although the cold can be really shitty it is nice to have a change in the weather and I have grown to like the cold. I used to be legit SCARED of the cold, but then I learned about the magic of meaningul layers. Anyway, I've been reflecting on my creative endevors (ceramics) and trying to figure out what's next. I don't like calling myself an "artist" because there's a lot of stigma associated with that lable so I will just say that I take an artistic approach to my creative work but also I have an art degree so like duh. I feel like I am chasing this vision that I can't even actually visualize but I will know it when I see it and I guess that's just the creative process...gotta trust the process. I would like to improve my overall craftsmenship because you can't make bad art until you've made "good" art which is another way of saying you can't break the rules if you don't know them. That whole concept is probably a topic for another time though. On another note I rewatched the orignal Matrix other night and it's amazing how so many people seem to have missed the entire point of that film. Maybe that's why they feel the need to keep making them.

Date:12/17/2021
I've been listening to this Dylan Brady mix, it's so good!
I have a new enemy: Roblox. What in the god damn fuck? I had no idea how fucked up the world of Roblox is. I thought it was just some ugly game for kids but it's so so much worse than that. I don't think I can really explain why it's so bad so I'm going to refer you to this video. It's like a perfect example of why we can not have a free market ancap society. Also I think it's interesting that every time we get these micro examples of what an unregulated free market could look like the platforms are just crawling with pedophiles and nazis... like hhhmmm maybe we do need some regulation especially if it means keeping CHILDREN safe. I don't think children (half of roblox players are under 12) should be spending so much time looking at screens, but that's another topic. Anyway, I'm getting worked up over this again so I need to stop. My chest hurts now lmaoooo bye



Date:12/14/2021 Okay this is going to be my last log entery before making this public! I'm not reviewing the previous logs because if I do I'll probably delete them so ignore any spelling or grammar issues. I really wish I had organized my images and code better but I can fix it later. I've been working on this site for 2 weeks now, and I think it's time to share it! I should have kept track of how long this took me but if i had to guess I would say less than 25 hours with a lot of that time being used to search through internet archives to find all these little graphics. Anyway, this page is still going to be called logs but it will probably be more of a journal style thing than a dev log. Also yes I am still thinking about GTA4 internet cafe.

Date:12/13/2021 Making minor tweaks and thinking about how i should start working on the other site for my artsy stuff. I think I will try to make that one totally from scratch without using a template...maybe. Anyway, this site should be going public any day now!

Date:12/10/2021 Made a guestbook! Added more on the about page. Thinking about changing the resources page to just be called links, but resources sounds more important and i think the stuff on that page is important... gotta ponder the orb more on that one. Also i really fucking hate JStor. and I am still thinking about the GTA4 internet cafe, it's been on my mind for like a week.

Date:12/9/2021 started adding info to the pages. This site is finally feeling like it could maybe be seen by the public soon!

Date:12/8/2021 did some minor layout changes and added my little pixle bunny with a gun which I will probably need to redo because the gun looks weird :/

Date:12/6/2021 Changed the colors of the frames/containers/whatever you call them to be pastels. I'm just trying to figure out what I want to put on this page. After years of perfecting the craft of not being perceived it's hard to think about being perceived again lol. Also feeling nostalgic af and listening to tiger's jaw (the pizza album obv which apparently they rereleased in 2019?). I'm very excited about this site though, it's been fun to learn how to put everything together and to think about layouts and colors and all the shit I used to think about when I was 12 and on MySpace

Date:12/4/2021 Changed the header and played around with the layout a little. I forgot that I actually need to write some stuff to put on here lol so I started doing that.

Date:12/3/2021 uhm all of this is making feel so stupid!!! I took another 3 hours to figure out something with the iframes that should have so obvious!! I'm literally reading through multipe pages of code, searching and almost giving up just to realize that all I needed to do was add a FUCKING SOURCE AHHH bye

Date:12/2/2021 didn't really do much today besides change the font to OCR A Std Regular.

Date:12/1/2021 spent like 3 hours figuring out how iFrames work... this shit is difficult but kind of fun? I guess it feels nice to waste my life learning a new things instead of consuming content made by other people. If I'm going to spend hours a day looking at a screen I might as well learn something from it.

Date: 11/30/2021 I started building this website yesterday and I have no idea what I am doing, but I am learning :)